Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters mentioned or talked about
below.
I especially do not own Riley, and I wouldn't want to, even if you paid me.
Please don't sue; I have nothing except for a buck and half a pack of gum.
Rating: some bad words, you watch the show you can read this. Towards the
end though, there is a lot of violence that might disturb children of the
younger ages so beware. I'd say 14A
Timeline: this is before and during Buffy's 18th birthday; Buffy and Riley
have NOT slept together, 'cause that notion just gives me the creeps. And
Parker? Doesn't exist in MY world.
Summary: Read the title, it'll tell you all you need to know.
Warning: You are entering an area where the character Riley gets shown no
mercy. If you happen to strangely like Riley, please do not read any
further and then flame me for it. You have been warned and if you read this
and find this offensive, then it is your own fault. He also gets tortured
in ways that might disturb some, so readers beware.
Couples: B/A. Duh! Who else?
Feedback: Please, I wanna know how I did. Send feedback to:
[email protected].

Riley Finn was an ordinary boy. Actually, whom am I kidding? He's a freak
show! He's a farmer boy, mammas boy, commando freak, who only knows how to
milk a cow and make cheese. Anyway, Riley Finn moved to Sunnydale from
Iowa, his homeland. His parents were very sad when he left; they even had
to throw a party to cheer themselves up. Well, that's what peas for brains
Riley thought anyways. His family was so glad that he left; they had thrown
a party, although not because they needed cheering up. When he got there,
no one would hire the smelly, greasy boy who looked like a fish so he was
very sad. Then, a lady named Professor Walsh saw him walking down the
street and thought to herself, "Hmm, that looks like the sort of boy that I
need for my new top secret commando base that will torture demons and
vampires in a very inhumane way." Well, this wasn't exactly what was going
through her mind, but it sounds like something that the super b*tch from
hell would say, dontcha think! Anyways, Riley accepted the job, because he
could always keep a secret, and also, well, he had nowhere else to go. So,
Riley got his spiffy dorm room in the house that was filled with his other
commando peers, he got his training, he got his neato commando outfit that
he thought was quite sporting, and he got his cover job as the Professor's
TA, whatever the heck that is. Oh, and he also got his daily dose of
steroids to turn him from a weak little wimp to a somewhat strong person
(not). What else could he want? Well, Riley Finn did desire one thing, a
girlfriend. He tried unsuccessfully for about a year. Then, one day, a
girl named Buffy, dropped some very heavy books on his hard head, and he
fell in love with her at first sight. Unfortunately, she didn't feel the
same way. Willow, Buffy's best friend told Riley that Buffy was still in
love with a man that was in LA. So, Riley did the only thing that a manly
man would do in a situation like the one he was in. First, for a week
straight, every night he would cry himself to sleep. Then, he found a spell
in this musty old book in the commando base. It would make Buffy go out
with him. He cast it, and it worked. Unfortunately, this spell made Buffy
forget the forgotten day with Angel. You see, the Oracles intended all
along to make the slayer remember, just their little way of saying "good job
on saving the world countless times," but, alas, due to the evil Fish boy's
meddling, the spell he cast pushed those wonderful memories to the back of
her pretty little blond head. The spell took a couple of days for Buffy to
go out with Riley, but she did, never the less. They became a couple,
although the Scooby Gang was quite puzzled about why she had gone from Angel
to, to thisthing. They accepted it though. The unfortunate thing about
this was, if Willow hadn't been so sad to see Oz leave, she possibly could
have noticed the traces of the spell on the slayer, thus casting a counter
spell. But, fate is cruel so Buffy was forced to keep dating Riley because
the spell wouldn't let her break it off. They never slept together though,
the spell didn't force her to do that, thank goodness! Anyways, a side
affect of this spell was to turn the slayer into a ditsy, dependant blonde.
Well, the Oracles couldn't have that, now could they. I mean, when she was
hunting, her mind could be clouded with thoughts of the greasy fish boy,
hence maybe getting her killed in battle, due to lack of concentration. So,
the Oracles decided to intervene. On the slayers 18th birthday, the spell
would be terminated, and the memories of the lost day would be pulled from
the back of her mind and made known to her. So, on the day of the Slayer's
18th birthday, Riley was getting ready to take her for a drive, not knowing
what the Oracles planned to do in exactly one hour
************
Riley Finn was getting ready for his date with his girl, Buffy Summers. He
couldn't contain his excitement, he ran around his room-getting ready,
squealing like the pigs on his farm did. He had decided not to take a
shower this morning; he had more pressing matters to attend to. He wanted
Buffy's 18th birthday to be the best one she had ever had. He had woken up
and done his daily 5 push-ups. (Well, he can only do so many, c'mon; we're
talking about RILEY FINN!) Then he went to the washroom and did his hair.
He did his daily greasing of his hair, about two handfuls of that greasy gel
to give him hair like his idols, the Moffats, the bestest best group in the
world. (At least in HIS opinion.) Then, for a light breakfast, a pound of
cheese and a quart of milk from his cow Bessie. Then, he got dressed in his
perfectly ironed shirt and freshly pressed pants, with his good Sunday
shoes. He looked at himself in the mirror. He had gone through about 5
mirrors this year because for some strange reason, they kept breaking when
he looked in them. Thankfully, the mirror only shuddered, and didn't break.
He sprayed on some of his special cologne that would surely make Buffy
swoon, eau de manure. Perfect. Riley giggled, which made him sound like a
cross between a pig and a pony. He was so excited about seeing Buffy he
practically peed himself. Riley jumped up and down, kissed his poster of
the Moffats, grabbed the keys to his beat up van and last but not least,
Buffy's gift, a basket of assorted cheeses, any girls dream. Now, off to
Buffy's.
************
The Oracles practically barfed after watching that stupid fish boy get ready
for his date with Buffy.
"That's one ugly boy," said the male Oracle, a sneer on his face. "After we
get the slayer and vampire back together, we HAVE to kill Riley, I can only
take so much!"
"Agreed," said the female Oracle, a smile on her blue face. She had wanted
for so long to get rid of that annoying loser, but the Powers That Be
refused their request until they found out that he had cast a spell to make
the slayer go out with him, hence making Buffy forget the forgotten day and
that was a big no no. You see, Buffy and Angel were destined to be
together. Buffy was supposed to have remembered, then she was supposed to
go to the Oracles to beg for Angel to be human with vampire healing and
strength, because that wish couldn't be granted by the Oracles unless Buffy
requested it. The Oracles thought that this rule was B.S but they had to
obey the Powers That Be. If they had had it their way, Angel would have
been human a LONG time ago.
"Yes, well, we'll have Buffy remember soon enough and then we'll have our
fun," smiled the male Oracle. They rarely got to kill people, so it was a
special treat for them.
"I'm so happy that the Powers gave us permission to get rid of Riley, he's a
disgrace to mankind, what were the Powers even thinking when they created
him," said the female angrily to the male. "If it hadn't been for him, the
slayer and vampire would be together." She stomped her foot like a child
having a tantrum. "It's not FAIR!"
"Calm down," soothed the male. "The only reason why they created him was
because they had that party, and got quite drunk. I think that one of them
dared another of them to create a monster hence they created Riley. I think
that they would have gotten rid of him sooner if they didn't have this whole
theory that he would get better. I mean, he's a male lesbian!" They both
snickered at this thought. The female waved her hand and an image of Buffy
and Willow in their dorm room appeared in front of them. Very soon, Buffy
would remember and the greatest love of all time would be saved.
************
Buffy Summers brushed her long blonde hair and twisted it into a ponytail.
She surveyed her outfit in the mirror. Black pants and a baby blue tank
top. 'Lookin good' she thought to herself. It looked appropriate for what
Riley had planned for them. 'A drive, whoa, he knows no bounds to romance'
she thought, a smile creeping onto her face. (Mmh hmm, so romantic there,
NOT!) She turned to Willow who was sprawled on her bed reading a book.
"What do you think," Buffy asked her best friend, turning in a circle.
"Nice," said Willow, barely lifting her head.
"I'm so excited," squealed Buffy. Willow only nodded.
"Where did Riley say he was taking you again for your date," asked Willow, a
frown on her face. Knowing Riley, it was probably to a local farm to milk
cows. Willow found that Buffy was acting very weird since she started
dating Riley. The weird part being that she actually HAD decided to go out
with him. 'He's seems about as fun as a rock,' thought Willow to herself,
trying not to laugh. There was just something that bugged her about Riley,
she couldn't quite put a finger on it.
"Driving," squealed Buffy in delight. "Riley makes driving seem, I don't
know, so exciting and fun!"
"A drive," stated Willow skeptically. 'What's so fun about driving,' though
Willow to herself. 'You get in the car, turn the key and go to where you
want to go. She makes it sound like a roller coaster.' Willow tried hard
not to look like she had swallowed a lemon.
"Yeah, what'll will he think of next," said Buffy with a far away look in
her eyes. "He always knows how to keep me on my toes."
"Right," said Willow, rolling her eyes and returning to her book.
"Accessories, I need accessories," said Buffy, mainly to herself. She
opened up her jewelry box. Instantly she spotted the ring that Angel had
given her, exactly one year ago. A tumbleweed of memories whirled through
her head.
************
The female Oracle turned to the male.
"Ready," she squealed in delight. She couldn't wait to make everything
right again.
"Roger," said the male in mock salute. He had a huge grin on his face,
'cause after they got the slayer and vampire together, they got to kill
Riley. The female grabbed the male's hand and they raised their joined
hands high above their heads and chanted one word three times.
"Remember, remember, remember," they chanted. A flash of light erupted in
front of them. It was done. Now, they just had to sit back and watch.
"I'll get the popcorn," said the female, dashing off.
"K," said the male, waving his hand, which made two easy chairs appear in
front of the image block that they had conjured.
"This is better than Jerry Springer, " giggled the female, handing a bowl of
buttery popcorn to her partner.
***********
Riley parked his beat up van, which lurched and threatened to collapse. The
van was the only thing that Riley had brought from Iowa, besides a suitcase
of his ugly clothes when he had come to Sunnydale. He had the van shipped
overseas, because he couldn't part with 'ol Bessie (his van). He had gotten
her for his 16th birthday. The car had been in the Finn family for a couple
of decades. While his sisters and brothers had gotten convertibles and
jeeps, he had been overjoyed to get the family van, no matter how old or
beat up it was. Riley tried hard to contain his excitement from seeing his
pretty little cow (Buffy) that he found it hard not to skip up to Buffy's
dorm room. He did start to sing a few bars of the new CD he had bought a
couple of days ago.
"I love you, you love me, we're a happy family," sang Riley in a voice that
could have made a vampire stake itself. 'Gawsh gee golly,' thought Riley
happily to himself. 'I sure do love that big purple dinosaur Barney!' He
found himself in front of Buffy and Willow's dorm room and wiped his sweaty
palms on his clean white shirt. They left greasy marks on his crisp shirt,
but Riley was too nervous to notice. He did a couple of breathing
exercises. In, out, in, out. He was about to knock on the door when he
felt the need to go. Not wanting to soil himself, he dashed to the
washroom.
***********
Buffy was about to put the ring back in the jewelry box where it had been
ever since she started dating Riley when she felt a sudden pain in her head.
Memories, that she had never had before, drowned her, as events flashed
through her head. Angel, human, them kissing on the Santa Monica Pier in
the sunlight, having tea in his basement, their hands touching, being with
him like a normal girl with a normal boy, him feeding Buffy her favorite ice
cream, falling asleep in his arms, fighting and killing the Mora demon,
Angel asking to turn back the day so she could live, holding onto him for
dear life as their last seconds together ticked by, her whispering over and
over again, "I'll never forget, I'll never forget." She sank to her knees,
sobs racking her body, clutching the ring to her chest. Willow put her book
down quickly, realizing that Buffy was in obvious pain and went to kneel
down beside her best friend.
"Buffy, what's wrong," asked Willow, quite worried. Buffy had been so happy
a moment ago, and now she was crying like there was no tomorrow.
"Angel," she choked out and looked up at Willow with tearstains on her pale
face. "He was human, and we were together and then he had the Oracles turn
back time because if he didn't I'd die sooner than I was supposed to and I
told him I wouldn't forget, but I did and now for some strange reason I just
remembered and he knew all along what had really happened and he's all alone
with these memories and I just walked out of the room so quickly when time
had been swallowed and why am I going out with Riley," Buffy stood up and
started pacing as she relayed this to her best friend, waving her hands in
the air, getting more and more panicked with every passing moment.
"He probably hates me," she whimpered, sitting down.
"No, he doesn't hate you and he never will," insisted Willow. This was
quite a lot to take in.
"Yes, he probably does and if he doesn't now, he eventually will," she said,
her tone firm. Apparently, Buffy had decided to brood and travel the road
of self-loathing and pity.
"So go see if he does or not," said Willow, with her resolve face on.
Before Buffy could answer, there was a knock on her door.
"It's time for our date my pretty little cheese curd," said an annoying
voice from behind the door.
"Darn," said Buffy, cursing under her breath. "It's that stupid fish boy."
Willow looked at Buffy in surprise.
"Why are you going out with him then and why were you ranting and raving
over his great ideas earlier." Willow was very puzzled.
"I have NO idea. I mean, he's certainly no Angel, and he smells SO bad.
All I know is that as soon as I get back from LA, I'm breaking up with him.
I'd do it now except I'm sure there would be tears, on his behalf that is,
and I have to get to LA, pronto." Buffy stood up as she said the last word.
Willow jumped up and down, clapping her hands.
"Goody," she giggled. "I'm SO glad that you're going back to Angel and
dumping that ugly loser on his butt." Buffy smiled sadly.
"My getting back together with Angel depends on whether or not he wants me
back," said Buffy. Willow waved her hand as if the notion that Angel
wouldn't want Buffy was ridiculous.
"Go, have fun, be back for your party," stated Willow with a happy smile.
"Oh, and bring Angel back with you."
"How will I get there though," asked Buffy. "I don't have a car, I can't
use Xander's 'cause he needs it for work, and if I use Giles' then there's
the huge possibility that it'll break down halfway down his street, Mom is
out of town so I can't use her car and no one else I know has a car."
"Buu-ffy," came a singsongy voice from behind the door. "Open the door my
love, I have a present that I think you'll enjoy." Buffy groaned inwardly.
She had no idea why she had even started dating the freak standing outside
her door and was in no hurry to see him.
"Coming," she practically spat out the word. She opened the door to find
him greasy as always, holding a basket of cheese and wearing a huge grin on
his pudgy face.
"Here, happy birthday," he said smiling, holding out the basket of cheese
proudly.
"Um, thanks," said Buffy, taking the basket like it was diseased and set it
down on her bed. Willow looked at it with a look of disgust on her face and
took it into the kitchen, probably to throw it out, much to Buffy's relief.
Riley just stood, grinning at her stupidly, until Buffy realized what he was
waiting for.
"Oh, come in Riley," she said, stepping aside to let her "boyfriend" in.
When he entered the room, Buffy sniffed the air.
"What's that wretched smell," said Buffy, plugging her nose. Willow came
back from the kitchen and immediately did the same. Riley was still
grinning away, the smell not affecting him.
"I see you noticed my cologne," stated Riley, moving closer to Buffy, while
she backed away from him. Willow, her nose still plugged, moved to open a
window.
"It's a favorite back home, its eau de manure," Riley was still grinning.
"I knew you'd love it!"
"Right," choked out Buffy. It sure did smell like manure, and the smell was
suffocating.
"Let's go for that drive my pretty little cheese bun." Riley tried to take
Buffy's arm and lead her to the door, but she held her ground. She had had
enough. She could only take so much. You might say the slayer snapped.
"Get your greasy hands off me you loser," Buffy spat at Riley, whose lower
lip started to quiver at her tone of voice.
"But, but Buffy, my pretty little cabbage, I thought we had a date," whined
Riley, his eyes filling with unshed tears. Willow just watched, her body
shaking with silent laughter.
"First off, I'm not a cheese bun, or a little cabbage, or anything that you
may call me. I am a woman, not any of those things so stop calling me
them," screeched Buffy at a cowering Riley.
"Now let's just calm down chicky poo," whimpered Riley, trying to figure out
why his girl was being so mean.
"Arrrgggh," Buffy threw up her hands. "Shut-up! I'm not a your chicky poo
either!" She took a menacing step towards the quivering boy.
"I'm not going on that stupid date, driving can't even be considered a date,
I hate cheese, you REALLY need a shower and I have no idea why I ever even
went out with scum like you!" The slayer grabbed the collar of Riley's
white shirt, as an amused Willow sat down on her bed, enjoying watching
Riley getting ratted out. At this point, Riley started blubbering like the
baby he was.
"I-I thought that we had something special sweetums," at this, Buffy's grip
tightened on Riley's collar, cutting off his air supply even more.
"No, we don't and we never will 'cause I'm breaking up with you loser," said
Buffy, loosening her grip on Riley, just a little. Then, something clicked.
Riley here had a van, didn't he? Letting go of him, Buffy backed up a
couple of steps, arms crossed.
"You have a car, right Riley," said Buffy, her tone impatient.
"Yupperoos," said Riley, bobbing his head up and down. "My van, or as I
like to call her, 'ol Bessie." This remark caused both girls to roll their
eyes.
"Gimmi the keys," demanded Buffy sternly.
"Well, if you really want to drive her, I mean, that's alright with me, at
least we're still going on our date," this brought a smile to Riley's greasy
face.
"Um, no, correction. I am taking your stupid Bessie and driving to LA by
myself. Featured words, "by myself", as in, without you. It's the least
you can do, being that you are on the verge of ruining my birthday."
"No! The van is mine! Mine, mine, mine!" Riley stomped his foot, which
reminded Buffy of a child.
"If you don't give me the keys to your van, I will pry them from cold, dead
fingers!" Buffy glared at the stubborn boy in front of her, her patience on
its end. At her words, Riley's eyes bulged.
"You, you wouldn't," he stammered, backing away from the slayer.
"I, I would," mimicked Buffy, making her way to Riley, who was now cowering
in the corner. Riley finally threw the keys across the room, still cowering
in fear. Buffy didn't get them quite yet though, she still wanted to give
Riley a little present, a little something that he deserved. She drew him
up by his collar so he was standing and slapped him, not hard, she didn't
even use her slayer strength, but slapped him neither the less. He started
bawling like a baby.
"That's for being an idiot," she slapped him again. "That's for not getting
a haircut," another slap. "That's for giving me cheese for my birthday,"
yet another slap, this one harder. Willow, although she hated to see anyone
get picked on, was enjoying this a great deal. She silently cheered Buffy
on as she delivered slap after slap to Riley pudgy face, which was growing
redder by the minute. His cries also continued, his tears leaving his red
face blotchy. Buffy delivered a final slap. "That's for not being Angel."
With that over and done with, Buffy dropped him like a hot potato and
grabbed the keys to his van.
"Bye Will, I'll see you later. Oh, and could you get rid of thisthing?"
With that, Buffy ran out of the room, intent on seeing Angel as soon as
possible.
"You go girl," was Willows reply to her fleeting friend. A smile crossed
her lips as she looked at the crying man curled up on her floor. Buffy said
get rid of him, hey. She's get rid of him alright.
"Get up," demanded Willow. Not wanting to get slapped anymore, Riley stood
up, quickly. He saluted her and clicked his heels together, commando style.
Willow rolled her eyes.
"Get out of my room," she ordered. When Riley didn't move, she tried a
different approach.
"Dismissed," she said, like an army sergeant. Riley's response was
immediate; he saluted her again and started marching to the door. 'Gawd,'
thought Willow to herself. 'What a loser.' Riley didn't really pull the
whole army thing off, with his red face, grimy shirt and tearstained face.
Before he could march out the door though, Willow stopped him.
"Riley, wait, I forgot to give you something." Willow smiled deviously.
Riley jumped up and down, like a child.
"Ooh, I get a present and it's not even my birthday!" Riley could barely
contain his excitement. "I was wrong about you Willow, you're a nice lady,
a nicy wicy one!" Riley bobbed his head up and down, while still jumping up
and down. "Yup, a nice lady, are you gonna give me tips on how to court my
sweet candy coated Buffy back into my waiting arms? Huh, huh, are you, are
you?"
"Not quite, it's something from Buffy," Willow replied.
"Ooh, even better, I knew that she still loved me, that's my girl," Riley
was still jumping up and down, which Willow found unnerving. She walked up
to him, trying to ignore the putrid smell of his "cologne". She put her
hands on his shoulders and delivered a good, hard, swift kick to his shin.
"There, that's from Buffy," smiling sweetly, Willow opened the door, which
Riley, bawling his eyes out again, hopped out, holding onto his injured
shin. As soon as he had hopped out, Willow slammed the door, but not before
yelling a parting comment.
"Don't ever bother to come back you greasy loser!" Happy that she had done
her part, and that Buffy had said adios to Riley, she hopped up and down,
and started to do a little dance. Then, she ran to the phone, to tell the
gang the good news.
*************
Buffy stepped down hard on the gas pedal, but the van remained at its steady
35 miles per hour. Unfortunately, she was on the highway, so she received
many honks from the cars behind her.
"What a piece of crap," muttered Buffy. At this rate, she'd get to LA by
her next birthday. Sighing and rubbing her eyes, she tried to ignore the
glares of the other drivers and concentrate on seeing Angel.
************
The Oracles had practically laughed till they were blue in the face
(Actually, never mind, their faces are blue, so there's no logic behind
that). Okay, so the Oracles laughed until they almost burst a gut when both
girls had beaten Riley.
"Now that's what I call entertainment," said the male Oracle, waving his
hand in reverse so they got to watch Riley's pounding all over again.
"Sure is," agreed the female. She was still laughing a bit, she couldn't
get the look of pure terror on the fish boy's face out of her head, and it
made her laugh. Peels of laughter echoed through the sacred halls of where
the Oracles dwelled as they watched Riley Finn get what he deserved, all
over again.
************
Riley sat sniffling in his dorm room, very surprised that Buffy wouldn't
want a "catch" like him (note sarcasm). His face that was once red was now
black and blue, due to the b*tch slapping that he had endured. His shin,
which the fiery red had kicked, was swollen and Riley swore that it was
broken. He was depressed, and he had tried everything to help cheer him up.
He had eaten cheese, written to his cow Bessie, written in his secret
private diary (the one with Barney on it), watched the "milking channel",
put some more grease in his hair, read his magazine that he was subscribed
to which was called "Today's Farmer", everything that usually cheered him up
to his bright and chipper self had failed. Riley didn't take rejection
well.
"I should do something to win the hand of my fair Buffy back," mused Riley
out loud, and stood up. Immediately a cry of pain escaped his lips as he
put weight on his injured shin. 'She went to LA, right' thought Riley to
himself. 'Boy, I've never been to a big city before,' Riley trembled at the
idea of his poor little milk dud, all alone, in big bad LA.
"I'll save her," shouted Riley, gaining a little bit more confidence. "I'll
go to the big bad city and win back her hand." Riley, now excited, stupidly
jumped up and down, on his injured leg. He screamed in pain, like any manly
man like him would do (note sarcasm, yet again), and hobbled towards
Forrest's room, to ask to borrow the tractor that Forrest had stored away in
their commando base. Forrest gave him permission, and Riley hobbled off to
where the tractor was. It was beat up, but Riley didn't care, not one bit.
He clambered up, and turned the key in the ignition.
"Vroom, vroom," shouted Riley, pretending he was going to start a big car
race. Old habits die hard, I guess. The tractor inched out of the base
onto the street (so much for secrecy) at 25 miles an hour.
"I'm so cool," shouted Riley to everyone that gave him odd looks, he was
used to them.
"This is sooo fast," screamed Riley at the top of his lungs. "I'm a speed
demon, yes siree." So Riley puttered down the street on his way to LA, with
a broken heart, a greasy mane of hair, and a plan. Mind you, the plan
wasn't very well thought out or even good, but he had a plan. And in his
books, that was all he needed.
**************
Buffy finally arrived in LA, after much difficultly with Riley's stupid car,
it had been a nightmare on Buffy's part. She was so fed up with the stupid
car she decided to scrap the heap of crap as soon as she was finished with
it. She didn't give a darn that it belonged to someone else, probably
because that someone else was Riley, and she didn't give a rat's as* about
him. Looking in the mirror, she saw that her make-up was terrible, and her
face was still a little puffy from crying. Deciding that she couldn't look
like this for Angel, she pulled over at a nearby McDonalds and went to get
washed up. After splashing her face with cold water and applying some
make-up from the bag that she had grabbed on her way out of her dorm room,
she went back outside and prepared herself to see Angel again. Toying with
her claddagh ring, she tried to tame the butterflies that were tap dancing
in her stomach. How was she supposed to tell him that she remembered the
forgotten day?
"You can handle this Buffy," she murmured to try to comfort herself. "Even
if he doesn't love you anymore, you can deal." She caught a tear, as it was
about to spill out of her eye. 'I've dated Riley so I can surely handle
this,' thought Buffy to herself, grimacing at the thought of her ex
boyfriend. Starting the stupid van again, Buffy slowly made her way to
Angel's cursing at the van the whole way. She finally reached his building.
Taking a few deep breaths, she opened the door and gazed up at the
building, in which Angel was inside. Now the butterflies in her stomach
started bowling. Buffy made sure to slam the door of Riley's stupid van
extra hard. With a clank, it fell off the van. Buffy laughed, and picked
up the door, heaving it across the road, pretending it was Riley.

Feeling at least a bit better, she walked into the building, and slowly
climbed the stairs to where Angel's apartment was. Opening the door, she
peeked her head inside. She saw Cordy filing her nails, chewing gum and
reading "17 magazine". No surprise there. Wesley was sipping earl gray
tea, munching on a scone and watching Coronation Street. No surprise there
either. Buffy didn't see Angel anywhere though. Kicking herself she
reminded herself that there was too much sunlight upstairs, so he was
probably downstairs. Stepping into the room, she cleared her throat. When
no one looked up, she cleared her throat again. No reaction.
"Hello, are you people dead or just ignoring me," said Buffy loudly,
startling both of people. Wesley looked up at Buffy, scone crumbs falling
out of his mouth. He straightened his tweed suit and stood up.
"Oh, um, yes, of-of course Buffy," stuttered Wesley. Cordy stood up also,
nail file and magazine tumbling to the floor. She wasn't nervous about
seeing Buffy, unlike Wesley; she looked sort of angry even.
"Hello Buffy, are you here with your boyfriend?" The words tumbled out of
Cordy's mouth and hit Buffy like a bucket of ice. Buffy blushed, feeling
like she was being interrogated by a bunch of cops, except, minus the cops'
part. She fumbled with her hands, not looking at Cordy.
"Um, if you mean Riley, then, I broke up with him, before I came here. Does
um, I mean, does Angel know about Riley," the question was whispered, Buffy
was scared that Angel did know, about how she had moved on so fast, although
she didn't even know why she had gone out with Riley in the first place.
Another voice answered her question.
"Yeah, I know," said Angel softly, standing in the doorway of the elevator.
Buffy whirled around to look at Angel. He looked the same as always, dark
brown eyes, tousled brown hair, pale face, dressed in black pants, shoes and
a light gray sweatshirt.
"Angel," Buffy whispered his name, her eyes never leaving his.
******Meanwhile******
Riley finally puttered into LA, a smile still on his face, he was oblivious
about the swear words, tomatoes and glares that were being thrown his way.
Sure, he had held up lines and lines of traffic to get to LA, plus a couple
of pile-ups had occurred, but Riley was determined to win Buffy back so he
didn't worry about it that much. Inching down the streets in LA, he kept an
eye out for his van, Bessie and his sweet cowpoke, Buffy. It took him
awhile, and a couple hundred honks from other cars, but he finally spotted
Bessie, his van. Or at least part of the van. Riley almost burst into
tears as he spotted the door of Bessie, lying on the road. He quickly
stopped the tractor; despite the many honks he received doing so, and ran to
the door of his van, picked it up in his arms (with much difficulty mind
you) and started sobbing.
"Why is god so cruel," he sobbed. "Why oh why is my sweet van practically
in shambles?" More sobbing came from Riley's part as he remembered all the
times he had opened this door, it seemed like yesterday.
"I'll find whoever did this and avenge my car door," declared Riley to
passing cars. The people in the cars either gave him a strange look, or the
finger, but Riley was too heartbroken to notice. First he lost Buffy, then
he got slapped and kicked, and now this, Riley wasn't having that good of a
day. He wiped his runny nose on the sleeve of his now filthy shirt and got
up, dropping the door. He looked across the street and saw Bessie. Running
up to his van he gave it a quick kiss, whispering words of love and comfort
to it.
"My poor sweet baby," cooed Riley, stroking his van softy, "I'll fix you up
all nice and pretty but first I have to go find my buttercup Buffy to win
her sweet hand back." Running up to the building, Riley sprinted upstairs
as quickly as he could. He had forgotten to take his steroids for the day
though, so it took him quite awhile. He reached the top huffing and
puffing. He looked inside and saw the back of his daffodil Buffy. Behind
her, he saw a tall man dressed in black, with a pale face. The first
thought that came to Riley's mind when he saw him was 'Damn, he's hot,' but
Riley quickly tried to brush that thought out of his head.
"I want Buffy, I want Buffy, I want Buffy," repeated Riley softly to
himself, although he couldn't quite take his eyes off the man. Looking up
he saw a sign that read, "Angel Investigations". This puzzled the simple
country boy. His mamma had always told him that Angel's only lived in
heaven. 'Oh well,' thought Riley. 'I'll ask my mommy about it later.'
Taking a deep breath, Riley pushed open the door, ran up to Buffy and gave
her a slobbery kiss on her cheek.
"What are you doing here Riley," screamed Buffy, wiping her cheek off with
the back of her hand.
"I'm here to proclaim my undying love," Riley took Buffy's hands and got
down on one knee. Wesley looked disgustingly at Riley, Cordy was trying to
stop herself from laughing, but Angel had a look of pure hurt and jealously
on his face. Buffy turned beet red at she tried to make Riley let go of her
hands, while making sure not to make eye contact with Angel.
"You're love is better than cheese, better than anything I've tried before,
I love the way you fight vampires, and the way you walk and the way you eat,
I've fallen for you hard my sweet little cowpoke," said Riley, still on one
knee. Now Cordy wasn't even trying to hide her laughter, and even Wesley
was sniggering a little bit. Angel just turned and slowly walked back into
the elevator, about to push the button.
"Wait," yelled Buffy, trying to shake off Riley. "It's-it's not what you
think Angel."
"She's right," said Riley, "It's more than what you think, I'm proclaiming
my undying love for this sweet cheese curd, I'm winning her hand in ways
that only a man as manly such as me could win it (note sarcasm). Angel, his
face a mask of different emotions, pushed the button, the elevator taking
him out of sight.
"No," yelled Buffy, but he didn't hear her.
"Marry me, and make me that happiest commando boy, we can move to a farm,
and milk cows, and have a children, and raise them to be farmers, and eat
the cheese that we make, and live in eternal bliss, say yes my little milk
dud, say you'll marry me!" Riley then pulled out a plastic ring that he had
gotten from a gumball machine and held it out to Buffy. Cordy and Wesley
were now on the ground, laughing until tears were coming out of their eyes.
"Are-are you gonna ma-ary him, milk dud," laughed Wesley, holding onto his
stomach.
"Yea-yeah, are ya," sputtered out Cordy, as laugher erupted from the pair
again.
"You're not helping you know," Buffy said coldly to the laughing pair. She
turned to then look at Riley, holding out the plastic ring, his eyes wide, a
smile on his face. Buffy took the ring from his outstretched hand. Riley's
eyes went wider, thinking that she was going to say yes. Even Cordy and
Wesley stopped laughing to see what Buffy was going to do. She smiled
sweetly at Riley, and then dropped the ring to the floor. Much to Riley's
horror, she then lifted a foot, and crushed the piece of plastic.
"Riley Finn, I hate your greasy guts, I will never marry you, and I don't
feel anything for you except for hate, and disgust, and I never want to see
you again in my life." With that, she turned on her heel, and walked
towards the elevator, leaving behind a blubbering Riley and a cheering Cordy
and Wesley. Pushing the button, she stepped into the elevator, and prepared
herself to explain to Angel what had just happened.
**************
The Oracles high fived each other as they watched Buffy turn down Riley.
"This is looking good," giggles the female Oracle.
"Yeah," agreed the male. "Buffy and Angel are one step closer to getting
back together and then it's fun time for us." They both laughed, then
turned back to the image screen.
**************
Buffy got out of the elevator and looked around the apartment for Angel.
She found him, sharpening an ax. Not a good sign.
"Hey," said Buffy softly, walking up behind him.
"Hi," he said, somewhat coldly. "So you're engaged now."
"You heard that part hey," whispered Buffy, eyes on the ground. "Well, I
said no, and before I had come to LA, I had broken up with Riley, and I
never really liked him in the first place." Buffy's eyes were still glued
to the floor.
"What happened to your "I'm gonna go, start forgetting" idea," questioned
Angel, his voice softening, although not by much.
"Well, that plan sort of flew out the window when I- that is, when I- when I
remembered." The last word was whispered softly, but Angel's vampire
hearing picked it up. There was a loud clanking sound as the ax he was
holding dropped from his hands. He stood up quickly and turned around, his
face paler, if that was possible.
"Say that again," said Angel, ever so softly. Buffy forced herself to meet
his brown eyes.
"I remember Angel, I remember everything, and I'm so, so sorry that I ever
even forgot." Suddenly Buffy found herself being crushed by Angel's arms,
as he held her tight, stroking her hair.
"I'm sorry you had to remember," he muttered into her hair. Buffy out her
arms around his neck, pulling him closer.
"I'm not sorry, I remembered the best day of my life, ever." Buffy brought
her head back to look into Angel's dark eyes, and she could see the
forgiveness and love in them. As they kissed, Buffy's heart soared with
true happiness, something she hadn't felt since Angel had been human.
**************
Cordy and Wesley looked at the smelly greasy boy that was curled up crying
on their bosses floor and started to laugh again.
"What's so funny," sniffled Riley, looking at the pair. They took one look
at his puffy face and running nose and burst into more peels of laughter.
"You're mean, you won't answer me," sobbed Riley, getting up. He walked
towards the elevator, leaving Cordy and Wesley alone, as he pressed the down
button for the elevator. 'I have to get Buffy to marry me,' thought Riley
to himself. If there was one thing that Riley didn't do, besides shower
regularly that is, was give up. That would normally be a good trait to
have, unless of course, you had no chance in the world of getting what you
were aiming to get, like Riley trying to get Buffy, which was hopeless.
But, as we all know by now, Riley is waaaaay too stupid to notice the
obvious. When he stumbled out of the elevator, he froze. There, in the
middle of the room, was his girl (note sarcasm) kissing that hunk of a man
that he had seen upstairs. Fresh tears welled up in Riley's eyes as he
witnessed this event. 'Why does Buffy get all the hot guys," though Riley
miserably to himself, turning on one heel. 'Why couldn't I get my hands on
a tasty morsel like him' mused Riley, Buffy's rejection fleeing from his
mind and jealously setting in. He got in the elevator, walked pass Cordy
and Wesley who were still laughing their heads off and went to go sit in
Bessie. Turning on the radio he listened to the country music that came out
of the speakers listlessly. He perked up when he heard his favorite song
come on the radio. Well, it was his favorite song besides the Barney song
that is. The song that was on the radio explained exactly what he felt.
"Man, I feel like a women." Riley screamed the part of Shania Twain's song
that really hit home in a voice that could have made a vampire stake itself,
but you knew that already. People passing by the van covered their ears or
simply avoid the van altogether. Riley just sang away happily, all right in
his world, at least for the time being.
**************
Buffy pulled away from Angel softly, even though she didn't really want to.
An idea had struck her while they had been kissing.
"Buffy," he asked softly. "Is anything wrong?" She smiled up at him.
"Nothing, but I need you to do something for me." Angel's response was
immediate.
"Anything."
"Take me to the Oracles," said Buffy, watching for his reaction. Angel
looked puzzled, but nodded. He pulled away from her and grabbed her hand.
Buffy didn't protest. They took the elevator upstairs and Buffy was
relieved to see that it was dark outside. They walked past Cordy and
Wesley, who still hadn't stopped laughing. Buffy and Angel gave them
puzzled looks, which made Cordy and Wesley laugh even harder.
"Bye milk dud," choked out Wesley, of course still teasing Buffy about the
nickname that Riley had given Buffy. He was rewarded with a glare and a
parting comment.
"Go choke to death or something," said Buffy, dragging Angel out the door.
When they got down the stairs, Angel turned to Buffy.
"What was that," questioned Angel, referring to Cordy and Wesley bursting
their guts from laughing.
"They were laughing about the way that Riley proposed to me," explained
Buffy. "Come on, let's go, you have a car?"
"Yeah," said Angel as he led her to where his car was parked. They passed
Riley's van "Bessie" and saw him sleeping like a baby, thumb in his mouth
and all. Buffy held back laugher while Angel just gave him a look of
disgust. They got in the car and started driving. Buffy was surprised when
they pulled up to an abandoned post office.
"This is where the all mighty god like Oracles are holed up," said Buffy
with a hint of disbelief in her voice as she got our of Angel's convertible.
She received Angel's trademark smile, the one that just turned up the
corners of his mouth.
""That's what I thought at first," was his reply as he locked the car and
started to make the way to where the gateway was. "Although as Doyle put
it, it's sort of appropriate if you think about it." As Angel mentioned
Doyle's name a wave of pain and sorrow passed through him. Buffy gently
touched his arm.
"I heard about him, I'm sorry, I only met him for a minute but he seemed
like a really nice guy," said Buffy softly, trying to comfort the brooding
vampire.
"Yeah, he way," was Angel's reply. They reached the courtyard underneath
the post office.
"Are we both going to go in, or just you," questioned Angel.
"Both," Buffy said quickly. She had never met the Oracles and didn't know
what they would be like. She guessed they would be confusing and god-like,
so she was a little intimidated. Angel nodded and threw the herbs in the
basin, then there was a flash of light and the outline of the door in front
of the couple started to glow with an un-earthly light. When Buffy
hesitated, Angel grabbed her sweating hand and pulled her into the light.
**************
They appeared in a roomy hall. Buffy spotted two figures, a man and a
woman, sitting in two easy chairs in front of what looked like a TV. They
had blue tinged skin and were wearing togas. As Buffy and Angel entered,
they stood up, grins on both of their faces.
"Welcome, we were expecting you. Oh, and Buffy, congrats on dumping Riley,
he deserved it," the male Oracles spoke first, coming towards Buffy and
Angel, his grin turning into a full-fledged smile. The female put down her
bowl of popcorn and nodded vigorously in agreement. Buffy did a double take
at the popcorn. 'Since when do gods eat popcorn,' Buffy asked herself and
looked at Angel. He had a look of puzzlement on his face.
"They weren't like this when I first came here," whispered Angel softly to
Buffy. "They weren't this- this laid back." Buffy just stared at the
Oracles. They were smiling away.
"Well, you can to ask a question," squealed the female. "Ask away." She
was jumping up and down, which really didn't make her look like a god.
Buffy's mind had sort of drawn a blank, until Angel gently squeezed her
hand. Buffy cleared her throat.
"I want you to turn Angel back into a human, but I want him to retain his
vampire strength and healing." Buffy knew that this was a big request, and
from what she had heard about gods, they didn't grant those kind of things.
She sensed Angel's surprise at her question, and gave his hand a
reassuring squeeze. Buffy closed her eyes and held her breath, praying with
all her might that they would grant her request. Her eyes sprang open when
she heard the male answer.
"Sure, we can do that." The female Oracles was clapping her hands and
jumping up and down. She reminded Buffy of a child that had just received a
toy that she really wanted. Buffy just stood there, mouth open until it
registered to her what they were going to do. She laughed and jumped into
Angel's arms. He hugged her and then started laughing as well, then started
twirling Buffy around in circles. He placed her down after a few seconds, a
smile plastered to his pale face. Hands intertwined, they turned to the
Oracles. The male Oracle waved his hand and then Angels' heart suddenly
started to beat and he was left gasping for breath. Buffy put a hand to his
heart and felt the steady "thump, thump," as his heart now beat. They both
smiled as tears of joy leaked out of Buffy's hazel eyes. The Oracles high
fived each other, as their goal was accomplished.
"Go, have fun," said the female. With a wave of her hand, she gently tossed
the pair out the door, although not a hard as Angel had been tossed out
their first time meeting. The couple found themselves in the courtyard
again. Buffy embraced the vampire, now human. After all they had been
though, they finally got to be together.
"So, what do you want to do to celebrate your humanity," questioned the
slayer with a gleam in her eye. Angel opened his mouth to answer, but his
stomach answered for him. Buffy laughed as his stomach growled loudly.
"I guess we go get food," answered Angel with a small smile. Buffy was
about to grab Angel's hand when she changed her mind.
"Race you to the car," she called as she sprinted off. Angel laughed, for
what seemed like the first time in months and dashed after his girlfriend.
"Hey, you got a head start," he yelled back as he tried to catch up with the
slayer. All was right in Angel and Buffy's world, at the moment. They
finally got what they each wanted the most. Each other.
**************
Authors Note: So ends the segment in which I correct a huge wrong made on
Joss's part, the creator split apart Buffy and Angel, but I found a way to
get them back together, at least in this story. I hoped you enjoyed it, I
know I enjoyed writing it. Now, we move onto the next segment, the KILLING
AND TORTURING OF RILEY FINN, BWAHAHAHAHAHAH! This contains violence and a
lot of blood, so beware little kiddies!!!!! I'd like to thank the following
people: my brother, and the following from the online club that I belong to
that is called "Death to Riley": Derek, Brandi, Lauren, Rowie, Trish, and
Tamara, I included these guys in this next segment because they listen to my
ranting about how much I hate Riley, and also, they're great Riley haters,
so let's give them a hand!!!! Starts to clap and cheer. And now, back to
your regularly scheduled story
**************
The Oracles ran around, laughing and screaming their heads off.
"We get to kill Riley noooooooooow," yelled the male, zooming around the
room with his arms out like a airplane. The female was doing cartwheels.
"Whoooo hoooo," screeched the female as she finished a perfect round off.
They stopped their celebrating, in order to perfect their plan.
"You have the spells ready," asked the male eagerly.
"Yep," replied the female. "We're ready to go." With that, the female
waved a hand with brought a confused Spike into their humble home.
"Where the bloody hell am I," hollered the blonde vampire. He looked quite
bedraggled, it seemed like he had just been woken up. The Oracles didn't
let the vampire's bad attitude spoil their terrific mood.
"We had a special treat for you that we think you might like," said the male
with a smile. Spike looked suspiciously at the two blue figures in front of
him.
"Bloody hell, I don't trust anything that's blue, what are you guys,
smurfs?" Spike glared at the Oracles who were still smiling away. They
would let nothing get in the way of their good mood.
"Just hear us out," the male Oracles went to put a hand on Spike's shoulder.
He flinched but didn't move away.
"Well tell me already them," demanded Spike impatiently.
"We will strike a deal with you Spike," began the female. "We have been
given permission to kill Riley Finn, and we want him to go out with a bang.
As in torturing, the works. We thought that since you have resorted to
helping the slayer when you got that chip in you head, you deserve a little
present. We are willing to deactivate the chip, for two hours while we
slowly kill Riley. Also, we could use some help from an expert on
torturing, I've heard you did some pretty nice work in you days." The
female crossed her arms, waiting for Spike to say something. Spike would
have blushed at that compliment, that is, if he could blush.
"Bloody hell mates," said Spike, a smile appearing on his face. "What a
treat, getting to torture someone, I haven't done that in awhile, and best
yet, it's one of the blokes that put me like I am today. Ooh, and we can't
forget it's the slayer's boyfriend!" Spike shook the males' hand, and
grabbed the female in a hug.
"Ex-boyfriend," stated the male. Spike's eyes went wide.
"Well I'll be, she actually got some brains and broke up with the nancy boy,
good for her!" Spike usually didn't compliment the slayer on any terms, but
he was certain she had made the right decision in this case.
"Well, what are we waiting for," asked the male. "Let's head out troops."
The female snapped her fingers and in a flash of light, the vampire and two
gods disappeared to the streets of LA.
**************
Riley woke up from he peaceful slumber and took his thumb out of his mouth.
He looked down at his shirt and noticed that he had drooled on it. He
shrugged his shoulders, not really caring about it because he had more
things to mope about. He looked out the side where his door had been ripped
off and was startled to see a man and a women, who both had blue skin. This
creeped out Riley. They looked like smurfs to him. Evil smurfs. Then
Riley noticed insert freaky music HOSTLIE 17! Riley jumped back in fear.
First smurfs, and now hostile 17. Riley reached for his taser gun (???) to
blast the hostile, when he remembered that he didn't have it with him.
Riley bit back screams of fear, he was weaponless against a vicious vampire.
Then Riley remembered that the hostile couldn't hurt Riley, because he was
human. Not afraid anymore (that's a surprise), Riley lifted his head and
noticed that everyone on the streets seemed to be frozen solid.
"What's going on here," demanded Riley, but his voice came out squeaky.
"We froze time until we get you somewhere where no will be able to see what
we're doing, or hear your screams," explained the male calmly.
"Yeah, what he said." Spike crossed his arms, a smile on his pale face.
"Oh, and my mates here deactivated the chip until we've had our fun." Riley
scoffed at this.
"Only the initiative can deactivate that chip so ha!" Riley stuck out his
chin like he knew all. Spike simply smiled and drew back him arm, then
connected his fist with Riley's nose. Riley screeched in pain and his nose
clean broke. Crimson blood started gushing from it and flowed onto his
dirty shirt. With a wave of her hand, the female fixed his broken nose and
stopped the blood from flowing. Riley touched his nose, very surprised.
Then he slinked away from the female screaming.
"Witch, witch, witch," chanted Riley over and over. Spike turned angrily to
the female.
"Bloody hell, why'd you do that," yelled Spike. The female simply smiled.
"I've put a spell on this boy. Since we want to torture him slowly and
painfully, I made it so whatever we might do he will not die. He will feel
the pain though, to the full extent. This spell will last for 4 hours. We
get 2 hours to torture him, and then some special "fans" will have a go (can
you guess who, tee hee)." Spikes face lit up like a little boy on
Christmas.
"Bloody hell, I'm working with geniuses!" The Oracles smiled at this
complement. The male put a smile on his face as he looked at his
colleagues.
"What do you say we "play" a little with our prey." Spike and the female
looked at him strangely until the male whispered his plan. His explanation
brought a smile to their faces. The female turned to Riley. He was curled
up in a ball and crying. The three hide their snickers.
"We're going to make this a little more fair for you. We will give you 10
minutes to escape and hide. If we then find you in a half an hour, then we
get to have our way with you," explained the female, a devious smile on her
features.
"Ooh, we're playing hide-and-seek," giggled Riley, the tears gone. "I like
that game, I always win, and I play with cows, boy, are they hard to hide
from!" The two Oracles and one vampire laughed as they pictured the fish
boy being stupid enough to play hide-and-seek with cows.
"No wonder he always winds up winning," whispered Spike to his new friends.
They all laughed at that. Riley got out of Bessie and jumped up and down at
the prospect of playing a game. He was so stupid, he hadn't digested the
part when they said if they caught him they got to do what they wanted,
which would be torture him.
"No peeking you guys," said Riley in a stern voice. Spike put up a hand,
palm straight.
"Scouts honor," said Spike. Under his "breath" his said, "Of course that
doesn't apply to me because I never was a bloody scout." The Oracles heard
this and started laughing. When Riley looked at then with a strange look on
his face though, they stopped. The three of then pretended to cover their
eyes with their hands as Riley ran around to the other side of the van.
They uncovered their eyes, and crept around the van to see where he was
going. It seemed like he was thinking about where to go. Riley saw the
three of them and froze.
"Cheaters, cheaters," yelled Riley, putting his hands on his hips.
"Well, we never said we'd play fair," reasoned Spike. He changed into his
game face. Riley whimpered.
"I'm tired of hide-and-seek," whined Spike to the Oracles. "I wanna
torturenow!" Riley started quivering in his boots, once again.
"Alright, we won't play anymore. We'll torture," said the female, trying to
please the whining vampire. Without warning, Riley sprinted down the street
away from the Oracles and vampire. Spike growled, and was about to chase
after him when the male put a hand out to stop him.
"He'll never outrun us, we might as well tire him out first, then have our
fun," explained the male. Spike shrugged, as if agreeing that this was a
good plan and set off after the fish boy at a leisurely pace. The two gods
followed.
**************
Riley was tired already, and he had only ran a couple of meters from the
trio. 'I wish I had remembered to take my steroids today," thought Riley
miserably. He had to get away from the mad men and the mad women. Riley
was struck with a sudden idea (wow, now there's a surprise). 'I know, I'll
loose them,' thought Riley cheerfully to himself. He decided to do the move
that Professor Walsh had taught him. First, he ran ten steps left, and then
twenty to the right, and then he ran back to where he was before and ran
backwards three steps, then forward fifteen steps. Then, he ran in a circle
five time times. Riley stopped, panting, pleased with himself.
"Lost 'em," he whispered to himself, and then satisfied that he had indeed
lost them, he started off toward the forest. (Authors Note: I bet you are
wondering how there's a forest in the middle of LA, but it's my story, my
world, so back off!!!!) Riley started running slowly through the thick
trees in the forest, panting. He was more scared than he had ever been.
His nose started to drip, faster and faster, it was the only sound in the
forest now.
"I'm so scared right now," whispered Riley as he started to cry. His nose
kept dripping, "drip, drip, drip." Riley never saw the root of the tree,
that is, until he tripped over it.
**************
Riley slowly opened an eye, and looked at his surroundings. He was in a
cave of some sort, strapped to the wall with steel chains. (Another
Author's Note: I know there aren't any caves in the middle of LA, but it's
my story, what I say, goes.) Spike was heating metal pokers over the fire.
"Burn baby, burn," muttered Spike with a silly smile on his face. Riley
turned away from Spike to see what the Oracles were doing. The female was
revving up a chainsaw, while the male was sharpening a double-headed ax.
"Riley's going to die, Riley's going to die," chanted the male and female
with psycho smiles on their blue faces. Riley just cowered in his chains,
afraid of what was going to happen to him. A few seconds later, Spike
approached the quivering, smelly, greasy boy.
"Do you want us to let you go," asked Spike nicely. Riley felt his hopes
rise.
"Yes, please," said Riley, nodding his head vigorously. Spike put his game
face on. He then shoved a molten hot poker through Riley's stomach. His
screams echoed through the cave, as Spike and the Oracles just laughed.
"Maybe later," whispered Spike as another poker was shoved into Riley's
stomach. A lot of screaming and a couple of hot pokers later, Spike stepped
back, admiring his work. Spike had pulled the pokers out so there were
holes in Riley's stomach.
They were bleeding, the crimson blood flowing onto the rock floor. Spike
was hungry but the thought of fish boy's blood made him loose his appetite.
Spike then stepped back so that the female Oracle could have some. She
smiled gratefully at the blonde vampire and revved up her chainsaw once
again. Riley gotten even paler, he has lost a lot of blood from Spike's
number on him. The female then, with a careful and steady hand carved the
shape of an L into his forehead, marking him as a loser, but in a very
painful way. Riley screamed as the thick crimson blood poured down his
face, into his eyes and mouth that was open from him screaming. She female
admired her handwork as Spike and the male Oracles clapped in approval.
"Very tasteful," stated Spike, obviously impressed. "I'd give it a 9.5, his
scream was a little weak."
"Well, nice technique," quipped up the male Oracle, beaming at his partner.
"I'd give it a 10."
The female mock curtsied at the compliments. She motioned to the male.
"Your turn."
The male rubbed his hands together as he shouldered his double-headed ax.
He sauntered to the beaten and bloody Riley and just smiled. Riley's eyes
had a look of fear in then as he squinted through the blood caked around his
eyes. The male took some of Riley's greasy hair between steady hands and
started to chop it off, and not very neatly mind you. Riley screamed louder
than he had when he was being carved and poked.
"Not my gorgeous hair," sobbed Riley. "Do you have any idea how long it
took for me to get it to that stage of greasiness???" Riley sobbed as the
male Oracle continued to calmly chop off the long and greasy hair. When he
had finished chopping off the mane of ugly hair, right down to the very
roots, the male stepped back to stand with his colleagues. The patted him
on the back as Riley continued to scream in horror and sadness.
"I figured it was time for him to get a haircut," sniggered the male. Spike
and the female laughed.
"Great job mate, the best yet, who knew a human could scream that loud? You
should be the one giving me the pointers on torturing." Spike gazed at the
godly being with the utter most respect.
"Yeah, I never knew you were that creative," piped the female. "You really
outdid us."
The male just waved his hand. "You guys, it wasn't that good."
Spike and the female just laughed, thinking that he was too modest.
"Time for the second part of the torture. We're going to bring in some real
experts of torture, and believe me, they really have some issues with our
boy Riley here." The female nodded her head towards the beaten and bloody
Riley who was still crying over his hair. Spike looked at the female
curiously.
"Who?" Spike was very puzzled. The male and female just smiled secretly.
Suddenly, a vortex swirled in front of them, and out stumbled two boys and
seven girls. They all had something in their hands, except for one of the
girls. Spike sniffed the air.
"They're human," snarled Spike. "What the hell are they doing here?"
One of the girls stuck her hands on her hips defiantly. She scowled at
Spike.
"Someone's rude," she demanded. She looked Spike up and down. "You're
fatter than you are on TV."
Spike snarled. "I'm not on TV you wanker. And I happen to be quite trim."
The female stepped in-between the girl and Spike as they glared at each
other.
"Let me explain Spike. These people are from another dimension. Where they
live, your life, including the rest of the Scooby gang, Angel and his
friends in LA and Riley are shown on a TV show that a man named Joss Whedon
created. He discovered this dimension about four years ago, and cast a
spell so that he could view your lives. He then made a TV show based on it,
and it became a hit. When Angel left, he did the same, so now Angel has his
own show. There was only one problem, when Joss cast this spell, it also
gave him the ability to alter what was to happen in you lives. So Angel
never would have lost his soul, been sent to hell, and left Sunnydale, it
was all Joss's fault. We changed the spell though, so now he can only view
your lives, not change them. I invited these eight people, you see, they
hate Riley with a passion, and want to extract their own original brand of
torture on them. They are true Riley haters, and I have heard some of their
ideas, they are positively evil." The female stopped her speech, and beamed
at the eight visitors.
A smile crept over Spikes face. "Nice to meet you guys, any Riley hater is
a friend of mine."
The girl that had spoke before, smiled as well. "Nice to meet you Spike,
and we consider you out friend, I'm sorry about the fat comment, I'm
particularly mad at the evil fish boy. I was just watching some of the past
eps, it was the one where Riley and Buffy get trapped in that stupid haunted
frat house and screw for like an hour straight, I swear, Joss is trying to
kill us!" The girl practically had smoke pouring out of her ears as she
stomped her foot in anger.
Spike wrinkled his nose. "Eww, you're right, that's just wrong!"
The girl nodded, and paused for a minute, calming herself down.
"Oh, I forgot to introduce me and my friends. I'm Lisa, that's my brother
Adam, then we have Derek, Brandi, Lauren, Rowie, Trish, and finally Tamara."
She pointed to each of them in turn.
"Yo," said Derek, waving a hand.
"Hi Spiky, I think you're great," purred Rowie. She flashed him a seductive
smile. Spike smiled back, happy to be getting some attention.
"Where's Angel," said Trish, tapping her foot. "I was hoping to see him.
"Don't you remember anything Trish, he's with Buffy, remember, the Oracles
fixed that stupid mistake made by Joss. They're probably off having a grand
ole time screwing each others brains out," said Tamara, in an impatient
voice.
"Ooh, that's so good, they deserve happiness after Joss screwed up the
stupid show," giggled Brandi as she clapped her hands in happiness.
"I know," sighed Lisa. "All is right in the world again!"
"Well, when are we going to get on to the killing of Riley, you girls are
all talk, talk, talk," whined Adam.
"I just wanna kill Riley already, although Buffy and Angel getting back
together is good," yelled Lauren, rubbing her hands together
Lisa glared at her brother. Then she socked him on the arm.
"Let's start," said Derek. "I'll go first."
Adam and the girls stepped back, and the Oracles and Spike went to sit on
the couch that was in the cave to watch. (Author's Note: I have no idea
how a couch is in a cave, don't question it, and just go with it).
Derek pulled something out of his pocket. It was a chromed toothpick. No
one could figure that one out, but they didn't care, just as long is hurt
Riley. He sauntered up to the bloody Riley and punched him so hard it made
Riley's bald head snap back. Then, with lightning quick stabs, he punctured
holes with the toothpick into Riley's ugly colored eyes. Riley screamed in
utter pain. Derek ignored the blood gushing onto his hands from Riley's
eyes as he then proceeded to puncture holes in Riley's lungs and throat. As
Derek did this, Riley's breath shortened quite a bit, but due to the spell,
he didn't die. Derek smiled happily, glad that he had done his part for
humanity by torturing Riley. He pocketed the bloody toothpick in his pocket
and accepted the towel that Lisa handed him. He wiped off his hands and
then joined the rest of his friends who were sitting on beanbag chair that
had appeared out of nowhere (don't ask).
"Bravo," called out Spike. "Who's next," questioned the blonde vampire, a
wicked smile on his face. He figured that if all the others were a brutal
as Derek, then it would be a whole lot of fun.
Rowie practically launched herself to her feet, eager to please her god
Spike.
"I'll go," she said, reaching into her bag for her weapon. Then, she
flashed Spike a flirty smile and ran over to Riley.
"Hi fish boy, feel the pain, does this feeling feel familiar," taunted Rowie
meanly as she dumped a huge ton of very heavy books onto the fish boy's
head. She was using a cool move that Buffy had executed on "The Freshman,"
although Buffy hadn't done it on purpose. She giggled at the sound of the
books smacking into Riley's head, again and again. She has thrown in "War
and Peace," she knew that Riley would love it.
"I see you've taken up an interest in reading loser," taunted Rowie,
laughing. She dropped some more books, enjoying the wonderful clunking
sound they made on Riley's skull. His head and scalp started to bleed as he
screamed in pain. Rowie and everyone else just laughed, especially Spike.
"Creative, I like that in a girl," noted Spike to a blushing Rowie. She
giggled and went to go sit with him.
"Next," called Spike.
Lauren all but threw herself into the spotlight.
"Me, me, meeee, let meee have a go," she demanded, giggling like a five year
old. Spike nodded his head and she jumped forward banishing a craft knife.
Everyone gave her a strange look.
"What? It's more deadly than you guys think!" As if to prove this, she
started slashing it over Riley's body, and he screamed in pain every time
the small blade bit into his skin. It was like a thousand paper cuts all
over his body. Spike almost pitied the poor boy. Lauren smiled, and
continued her torture, for five minutes. She then giggled and ran away,
leaving Riley with tiny, yet excruciating cuts. She kissed her blood
covered craft knife and put it away. She then sat down on another beanbag
chair that had appeared out of nowhere.
"Who's next," called out Spike. He liked the way this was shaping up.
Brandi started to jump up and down.
"Me next, me next," she said in an evil voice. The female nodded her head
to gesture the eager Riley hater forward. She smiled even more, and skipped
up to Riley. No one could see her carrying a weapon but they didn't ask.
They figured out what she was going to do when they glanced at her nails.
They were sharpened to points, very, very, very sharp point. Without
further ado, Brandi slashed Riley across the throat with her nails, a
Drucillia move that was very hip. Then, she continued to slash at painful
points on Riley's ugly body, like his face, legs, stuff like that. He
screamed in pain and even more blood started to flow from the deep wounds.
He didn't even look human anymore; he was caked in crimson blood and had
millions of cuts adoring his body and face. Brandi, being the evil person
that she is, just laughed as she poked on Riley's stomach with her razor
sharp nails. With her turn over, she stepped back, absentmindedly glancing
at her nails caked with blood as she laughed away. Adam decided that the
excitement to torture riley was too much to handle. He grabbed the crate
that he had lugged to this dimension and made his way over to Riley. He
lifted something out of the crate. Riley didn't recognize what Adam was
holding, even though he should have, because the army used them all the
time. It turned out to be a rocket launcher, just like the one that Buffy
had used to kill the Judge. (Got to love those episode references!)
"Signora sucker," snarled Adam as he lifted the launcher onto his shoulder.
Everyone covered his or her ears as the sound of the rocket being fired
echoed loudly inside the cave. When the smoke cleared they were able to see
Adam's handy work. The rocket launcher had gone straight through Riley's
stomach, and was now lodged inside the wall. Riley was screaming in utter
pain as rivers of his blood flowed out of his stomach, and collected in
puddles all around him. Adam smiled, happy that he had done his job and
stepped back to let someone else have some fun. Tamara took this
opportunity to have her turn. She stepped forward, banishing a very sharp
and pointy kitchen fork. She flashed a psycho smile and started to
repeatedly stab the wounded commando loser, as more blood started to join
with the dried blood and the blood that was still flowing out of his stomach
wound. Tamara laughed as she reveled in the feeling of the sharp prongs on
the fork push through his flesh. She pulled the fork out of his swollen
skin and help up the blood caked kitchen tool to Riley's quivering mouth.
"Taste," she whispered in a sinister voice. Shaking, Riley did as he was
told.
"Good boy," laughed Tamara with disgust laced in her voice. She patted him
on the head, only to shove the fork into his forehead for a finale.
Everyone laughed heartily.
"Good job," said Lisa, while Spike nodded. Trish jumped up screaming,
"I'm next, I'm next!" She hefted her blow torch up on one shoulder and
sprinted to Riley. She smiled sweetly at him.
"You have NO idea how long I have wanted to do this," she said as she
stepped back and proceeded to light Riley on fire with her blowtorch. The
fire raised high as Riley screamed in pain. Trish just has a happy smile on
her face.
"Like your present," she laughed as she finally turned off the blowtorch,
after seven minutes straight. Riley didn't even raise his head, his skin
was starting to peel off, and it boiled, also, the smell of charred skin
filled the cave, but no one minded, after all, at least Riley was suffering.
He wasn't dead yet though.
"Alright, who's next," asked Spike. He was in a great mood, what with the
great torturing happening and Rowie's flirting.
"I am," said Lisa, ever so calmly. She dragged three barrels towards Riley.
"Riley, you know you deserve this, all the people on earth who have had to
watch you have suffered enough, you are scum, no, wait, you are lower than
scum. No one will care that you die, no, the world shall be saved." With
that little speech, Lisa proceeded to dump the contents of the three barrels
all over Riley. It was acid. Riley screamed, it was all he could do as his
burnt skin bubbled and boiled, some of it fell off, exposing bone, as the
blood he had left spurted around him. Then, all was quiet. The sound of
boiling skin could still be heard, as Lisa dumped all that she had left on
him. No sound still. Everyone held his or her breath.
"He's dead," whispered Lisa. All was quite. Then, chaos erupted. Cheers
and hollers echoed through the dark cave, hands were fived, champagne was
brought out and everyone toasted.
"To the "former" Riley," giggled Spike, his arm around Rowie. She laughed.
"To Riley," she repeated.
"May he forever rot in hell," chimed in Lisa.
"Yeah," said her brother.
"He deserved it," muttered Derek, a smile on his face.
"Hell yeah," yelled Tamara. "No one deserved that more than him.
"Well.." spoke up the female Oracle. Everyone stopped the celebrating.
"What do you mean," asked Trish coldly. "No one is more deserving of death
than Riley."
"Well, someone is pretty close," said the male Oracle.
"Who," chimed the confused mortals and one vampire.
"Kate Lockley," said the female. The room erupted in agreement.
"And hey, can we kill my math teacher and principle in the process too,"
yelled Lisa, excitement visible on her face.
"Sure, why the hell not," said the male.
"Hey, lets kill ALL the math teachers and principles," chorused in Brandi.
"Kill fest 2000," said Derek.
"Kewlness," stated Spike. Everyone started to talk at once, yelling the
name of the people they wanted to kill.
*****************************************************And so ends our tale,
of the death of the most pitiful man on earth, the restoration of the truest
of loves, and how seven mortals, two gods and a vampire came to go on kill
fest 2000. All the author has to say about that was that the kill fest sure
as hell was fun.
The conclusion: All was right in a little town called Sunnydale, at least
for the moment, while all the math teachers and principles were killed. And
Riley. So it turned out to be a pretty good story, don't you think? Well,
answer me you dead beats or I'll kill you, just like I did Riley, ahaha,
that's got you pants in a knot now doesn't it? Answer me you fools, sure,
to you, I'm just a poor author, who has to survive on 5 bucks for a
allowance but do you guys give a rat's butt about me, the author who took
the TIME and EFFORT to write this INCREDIBLE story about MASS CARNAGE and
TRUE LOVE? Well now I'm just offended, so send me feedback, or else!!!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAAH

Written by the great Lisa, whom you should send feedback too or else
she will kill you!

Final note: THE AUTHOR IS OBIOUSLY ON CRACK, AND YOU DON'T WANT TO UPSET
HER, AND SO SEND HER SOME DAMN FEEDBACK ALREADY!!!

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