Title: In Love With Your Ghost
Author: trixie firecracker
Disclaimer: B/A are property of Joss Whedon and co. The song, "Ghost"
belongs to the Indigo Girls.
Spoilers: anything in the B/A canon is fair game
Rating: PG 13
Timeline: 10 years after this season

                   IN LOVE WITH YOUR GHOST

   It was the letter that had brought her here. She had found it a week ago
and it had cut into her heart. A letter from him. He had written it back
when they were lovers, so it had been filled with endearments, tender
utterances...
   Buffy Summers walked down the Santa Monica pier, inhaling the salty air,
feeling the beat of the sun on her head as she glanced over at the ocean
intermittedly.
  She didn't think she would see him. She just wanted to be in his part of
the world, feel his presence. It had been so long now since their eyes had
met, their hands had locked, since she had heard his voice or felt that
tingle in her blood that told her he was near.

~~ there's a letter on the desktop
   that I dug out of a drawer
   the last truce we ever came to from our adolescent war
   and I start to feel the fever from the warm air through the screen
   you come regular like seasons
   shadowing my dreams ~~

  She had been married and divorced since she had last saw him. The marriage
had been a mistake. She should have known it would never work with Riley.
How could it, when her heart always belonged to the night... to the memories
of kisses sweet before sunrise. Poor Riley. She pitied him, and still loved
him, like she might love a friend, but never a lover. Never like she had
loved...
  Buffy didn't let herself even think of his name. Too painful... to like a
thorn to her side. As she passed a group of children, she smiled slightly.
Once she had told him that she didn't care if she had children. That was no
longer true. She longed for a life... with kids and a husband... a permanent
home. Since she and Riley had divorced she had wondered from country to
country, taking odd jobs and still slaying almost as an outlet to expend
energy. To keep herself from remembering...

~~ I guess that’s how you started
   like a pinprick to my heart
   but at this point you rush right through me and I start to drown
   and there's not enough room in this world for my pain
   signals crossed and  love gets lost and time past makes it plain
   of all my demon spirits I need you the most
   I'm in love with your ghost
   I'm in love with your ghost ~~

  She dreamt of him often. Sometimes just of times past. In her dreams she
could hear his voice, hear it whisper in her ear, hear it raised just
slightly in anger like one of the last times she had seen him. If she
concentrated a little she could feel his flesh, so cool and familiar... its
muscled contours rippling beneath her fingers, the half-smile he seemed to
reserve only for her... she could almost taste his lips, the salt of his
tears, feel his arms around her, so hard and protective... see his eyes,
full of pain and guilt and at the same time, heart-breaking love and trust.
Often she dreamt of a time she couldn't quite remember- it came in snatches
but seemed to real she wondered if it really had happened. She and Angel...
eating ice cream, giggling... happy... making love long into the night and
then lying spent and complete in each other's arms. Those dreams were vivid,
and sent streaks of pain through her like bolts of fire.
  "We'll make another one like it tomorrow...."
  "I'll never forget, I'll never forget...."
  "Buffy...please...please..."
  She felt tears blur her eyes and looked out over the sea, leaning up
against a wooden railing, the scenes of their time together playing like a
movie in her mind.

~~ dark and dangerous like a secret its whispered in a hush
   when I wake the things I dreamt about you last night make me blush
   when you kiss me like a lover
   and you sting me like a viper
   I go follow to the river
   play your memory like the piper
   and I feel like it like the sickness how this love is killing me
   but I'd walk into the fingers of your fire willingly
   and at the edge of sanity I've never been this close
   in love with your ghost ~~

  Blinking against the imminent threat of tears, Buffy scanned the beach,
looking for she knew not what. There was a strange feeling in her belly. No,
she thought, he can't be here. It's daytime.
  But there he was. Her hazel eyes alighted and locked on his figure. She
could feel her heart crack as she watched him. He was dressed in casual
swimming shorts, no shirt, and he looked a little older... was that
possible? He never aged. Buffy was positive she was seeing things, and
walked closer, down to the boardwalk, past vendors and little kids licking
ice cream, but as she neared to where he was, she stopped as if rooted to
the spot. A couple of little children raced out of the water and pounced on
him. He laughed, grabbing them and swinging them around, causing them to
shriek with excitement. A woman with long dark hair joined them, she had her
back turned so Buffy couldn't make out her features.
  Pain swept through her like that which she had never experienced. It
spread like a burn over her chest and belly and heart... she wanted to
double over and throw up, it was like poison, destroying her insides,
causing her to moan incoherently.
  "Angel..." she murmured, the whisper so broken, so lost, carried by the
wind. No one else would have heard it, but his head snapped up. His face
confused, he glanced around until he saw her. A tiny lone figure on the
boardwalk, clad in a long tan sundress and sandals, her hair loose to the
wind. He would know her anywhere...
  "Buffy..." he whispered.
Buffy stared and Angel stared back. It might have gone on for a long time
if a child had not jostled Buffy and snapped her out of the trance-like
state she was under.
  "Buffy..." Angel murmured as he came forward and she looked down, waves of
sorrow and anger pouring over her. She felt her heart begin to crack from
the strain...could feel her ribs being crushed from the weight of him...his
memory, the reality.
  "So..." she muttered. "What... how can you be out here. Thought sunlight
was a big turn-off of yours."
  "It was... but Buffy, I'm human."
  Her head came up and she involuntarily lay her hand on his chest. "Yep.."
she said flippantly. "Big beatage. So, were you planning on telling me?"
"No," he answered honestly. "You're married."
  Buffy laughed without humour. "At least get your facts straight. I'm not
part of the 'divorced' population."
  Angel looked stunned. "I'm sorry."

~~ Now I see your face before me
   it would launch a thousand ships
   to bring your heart back to my island
   as the sand beneath me slips
   as I burn up in your presence
   and I know how it feels
   to be weakened like Achilles
   with you always at my heels ~~

  "Are you?" she questioned, running her hands through her hair. "I'm not.
Riley and I could never be happy."
  "When did you divorce?" he asked, his face shut off, a tight mask of
concealed pain.
  "Two years ago." Buffy glanced up into his eyes, memorizing his features
for future nights when she lay alone. She had never seen him in sunlight
before. Never saw the way his eyes glistened, the sheen of his flesh under
the glow...
  "So..." she began. "Wife and kids huh?"
  Angel's eyes widened. "What?"
  She motioned to the beach. "I saw you. With your family." She almost
choked on the last word, felt the tears begin to well in her eyes, her
throat becoming dry and tight.
  "My family? Buffy..."
  All of a sudden the dark haired woman came over, and the Slayer got a good
look at her. "Cordy..." she whispered.
  "Buffy?" Cordelia shouted, running over and throwing her arms around her
former classmate. "What are you doing here?"
  "Hey Cordy," she responded shortly. "So when did this happen?" She
gestured to the children frolicking in the surf, and encompassed Angel with
the sweep of her hand.
  "When did what happen?" Cordy asked, perplexed. "Well the kids happened
when Angel--"
  "God--" Buffy stopped her by holding up her hand. "I don't want to hear
it. I'll see you--well, never!"
  She began to walk away but Angel grabbed her arm bringing her up short.
"Buffy," he said, smiling slightly. "Cordy was going to say it began when I
introduced her to her husband."
  "Her hus---" the blonde let out a gasp of air, slumping a little. "Ohhh."
  "Oh God," Cordelia began. "You thought??? Oh, ew, ew," she made a
disgusted face and punched Angel lightly. "We're like brother and sister at
this point. Oh, EW!" she repeated before going back to her kids.
  Buffy refused to look at Angel. She had never felt so embarrassed in her
life. How could she have thought Cordy and Angel would get married?
  "Look, Buffy," he began, tilting her head up with his large hand. "Listen
to me. I wanted to tell you about the whole humanity thing but I didn't want
to impose on what I thought was happiness for you and Riley."
  "I didn't even know that you knew we got married," she said, a little
confused.
  He grimaced. "I wish I never had found out. But... you see, I had come to
Sunnydale that day to..."
Comprehension dawned. "You were going to tell me then, weren't you?"
  "Yean," he replied, sitting down on a nearby bench and drawing her down
with him. "I was. But I came to your house and went to the backyard and saw
you... you were wearing a wedding dress. I had never seen you look so
beautiful... or so happy... so I--"
  "Left," she finished. "God, I wish so much you had just---" she stopped.
"You were really coming to tell me you were human?"
  Angel looked down, and then took her hand gently. "No, I was coming to ask
you to marry me."
  Buffy felt the tears start, but didn't even try and stop them. SO many
years wasted... all that time when she had been dreaming about him, he had
been dreaming of her. "Do you still have the ring?" she sniffled.
  Angel cupped her face in his hands. "Yes."
  Smiling weepily, she kissed him. "You know how you said I looked the
happiest you've ever seen me on my wedding day?"
  He nodded, kissing her again.
  "You were wrong. This is the happiest I've ever been. Right now." She
punctuated her words by sliding onto his lap, holding him close to her heart.

~~ though I'm baptized by your touch
   I'm no worse than most
   in love with your ghost
   you are shadowing my dreams
   in love with your ghost
   in love with your ghost ~~


Angel held her, his Buffy, until the sun set and darkness stole over the
beach.
  "Ahhh.." she murmured with a smile. "Now, THIS feels familiar."

END.