Before We Ever Said Goodbye

by: Cielo Michelle (C.j.)

(If you want to get a hold of the author their e-mail adress is [email protected])

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the creation of Joss Whedon. Only the idea alone is mine, so please don't copy that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Angel!" I called again as my eyes shot open.

But I was alone. The room was empty. The house was empty. And I was empty.

Nothing could make me feel better. No-one could help or console me, except for the one person who wasn't within my grasp.

Only Angel could subside my pain, but he was gone, in L.A. He had told me that we couldn't be together. That was 2 years ago, and I hadn't seen or heard from him since.

I had his number. He had mailed it to me, with no return address.

I stared down at the number on the paper and an expression of pain plays across my face as I read the note beside it for the millionth time.

Dear Buffy,

Here's my number, in case you need my help in any Slaying problems. Please, don't call unless the problem revolves around that. I don't think I can say goodbye to you again unless I absolutley have to. Take care.

~Angel

I close my eyes as the tears fall down my cheeks.

I couldn't call him.

I had tried to make myself believe that he could help me, but the truth was, my problem had nothing to do with Slaying.

It had to do with being in his arms. I needed him, but not for any big evil.

I pull my arms around myself and take deep, ragged breaths.

Ever since Mom had died 2 weeks ago I hadn't talked to anyone.

Not even Willow or Giles.

Sure they had tried to call me, but that had done nothing. I refused to answer the phone or the door.

I know they're worried about me, but I need Angel.

The only person I couldn't have I needed more than the air I breathed.

* * * * *

I awoke with an uneasy feeling in my heart.

A feeling of despair, pain, grief, and need.

For the past two weeks this feeling has been plaguing my thoughts.

And I can only link my feelings to one person.

Buffy.

Maybe I should go see if she's all right... I quickly shake the thought from my mind.

If I saw her I wouldn't be able to leave without talking to her, and I couldn't risk that.

The past two years had been hard enough.

Suddenly the phone rang.

I shake the thoughts from my head as I throw back the covers and pick it up.

"Hello?" I answered.

Silence.

"Hello? Is anybody there?"

I sighed and was about to hang up when I heard a muffled sob.

Before I could think her name escaped my lips. "Buffy?"

I heard a little gasp and then a tiny whisper. "Angel.."

My heart panged with fear as I sat up in my bed. "Buffy, what's wrong?"

"I...it's.."

She was crying, hard. "Buffy?"

"Angel, I miss you..." she whispered gently.

"I miss you too Buffy, but what's wrong?"

"I'm just...I wish you were here."

"Buffy..." I sighed, "You know I can't be. We can't be together..."

"Sometimes I wake up crying at night...and sometimes I scream out your name....But you're not here.....No-ones here..."

I was beginning to feel more and more disturbed as she spoke.

"I'm sorry...this isn't a Slaying matter....I gotta go..."

"Buffy, wait!" but the line was already dead.

Something was wrong with her.

She definantly needed me, but not for a Slaying matter.

I had vowed not to see Buffy if it had anything to do with a personal problem. Because if I had to see her cry.....I know I would hold her. And I know I would kiss her. And I know I would never be able to say goodbye to her again.

I wrestled with my emotions and debated with my promises.

I picked up the phone and dialed Giles' number.

"Hello?"

"Giles... It's me, Angel."

"Angel? What's-what's wrong?"

"I just got off the phone with Buffy. She sounds very upset. I was just wondering if you had any idea-"

"You've talked to Buffy?" he asked, surprised, yet hopefull.

"Yes, she called me, why?"

"She hasn't talked to anyone since her..her mother's death two weeks ago."

My jaw dropped open. "Her mother...but how?"

"Vampires. Buffy blames herself. She-she won't speak to anyone about it...Not even me..."

"Oh God..." I breathed. "Thanks Giles...I'll talk to you later." I hung up the phone before he could object.

* * * * *

As soon as I hung up the phone more tears fell down my face.

He sounded the same. I missed him so much.

I drew my knees up to my chin and began sobbing gently.

I felt guilty for calling him for a personal matter but I had to. I needed to hear his voice again.

He was probably upset with me.

I sat on my bed, letting my tears fall for long time.

I finally found the strength to stand up. My legs were shakey as I made my way to the mirror and I let out a little gasp as I saw my reflection.

I looked like hell, literally.

My hair was matted around my head, a mess and uncombed. My eyes were red and bloodshot. My skin was white and gaunt.

I grabbed a towel from the linen closet and stepped in to the bathroom to take a shower.

* * * * *

I stopped my car in front of Buffy's house.

I sat there, outside and watched it for a while.

Wondering if I was doing the right thing.

Buffy needed me, I couldn't turn my back on her. I loved her way too much. She touched my heart in my darkest hour. She turned my world of doom around. Now, I had to return the favor.

I stepped out of the car and made my way up her walk.

Surprisingly the front door was unlocked.

Quietly I opened it and stepped inside, immediately I sensed Buffy's pain and hurt.

The house was dark and silent.

I silently made my way up the stairs and into her room.

* * * * *

I stepped out of the shower and silently dried my hair.

Sad to know that was the most active thing I had done in the past two weeks.

I quickly pulled on my white tank top and a pair of comfortable black sweat pants.

I pulled my hair up into a tight pony-tail and put some chapstick on.

My eyes were a lot less puffy, but I still looked like crap.

I opened the bathroom door and caught the scent of musk.

I stopped and looked around, in instant Slayer mode.

I silently padded towards my room and opened the door.

Seeing nothing out of the ordinary I entered and made my way to the window.

I saw Mom's car in the driveway and tears intstantly stung my eyes.

Shakily I tried to brush them aside, but more just fell in their place.

I felt myself slowly sinking to the floor, but then I felt cool hands gently pulling me into their arms.

Without caring who it was I clung to them and sobbed.

* * * * *

I held her calmly in my arms and let her cry.

I stroked her hair lovingly and closed my eyes.

Soon her sobs subsided.

Gently I pulled away and forced her to look up at me.

"Angel...."

"Shhhh...." I said as I caressed her tears away.

Then, softly I kissed her.

She wrapped her arms around me and returned the kiss.

"I love you Buffy," I whispered.

"I love you too Angel..." she said, with her head leaning on my shoulder. "Angel..."

"Hmmm?"

"Please don't leave me again...please," she pleaded.

I held her tighter and shut my eyes.

"I promise."

THE END!