Message: 1
Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2000 05:50:40 EST
From: [email protected]
Subject: I Have Always Loved You 1/1
TITLE: I Have Always Loved You
AUTHOR: Isa Bedigian
EMAIL: [email protected]
SUMMARY: Musings of Buffy and Angel during and just after Graduation Day
SPOILER: The Prom, Graduation Day
DISTRIBUTION: Crystal's site, if she wants it. Anyone else, Sure, just
email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =)
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P
RATING: TV-PG
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters, Joss Whedon does. If he ever
decides to give them to me, that would be nice. =) I don't know who owns
the song or what it's from. My brother just was fooling around with my PC and
it wound up in the middle of a corrupted file. I hate little brothers.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The POV changes with every set of ***** and you get to guess
who's POV is whom's <g>
//Since the beginning of time
Since it started to rain
Since I heard your laugh
Since I felt your pain.
I was too young, you were much younger.
We were afraid of each other's hunger\\
When I first kissed Buffy, something in my mind knew it wasn't forever.
Something in my heart said there was no way I could ever let her go.
When we made love, I can't even tell you all the feelings that flowed through
my heart and soul. I wanted to lay in bed with her like that, holding her
like that, until the end of time. And the next morning, I wanted to kill her.
When I came back from Hell, I had so many thoughts towards her and so many
horrible memories of what had happened down under. And even though she was
the one who sent me there, I never once held a grudge, never hated her for it.
When you love someone, that's all that matters.
And I do love Buffy. More than anything.
And that's why I've got to leave tomorrow.
I keep picturing her at the hospital, lying there, helpless. I have a date
with the sunrise after the Ascension is over if she doesn't make it out alive.
Sort of strange, when you think about it. Ironic too.
She killed me. Now I kill her.
I don't even want to think about her not making it.
She's fine.
She's *fine*.
//I have always loved you
There's never been anyone else
I knew you before I knew myself
Oh my baby, I have always loved you\\
I know ripping an IV out on your own and looking for your clothes while
wearing a hospital gown and underwear isn't the best thing for someone as
weak as me to do, but when duty calls, I gotta answer.
The Ascension is tomorrow.
Today. Whatever.
I've got to get out of here, get to Angel.
Angel.
I have to hold him and kiss him and tell him that I'm fine and that without
him, I would've died too. I can't live when he's not here. I tried that
already, I'm done with that now.
He has to stay with me.
He *has* to.
//Since we kissed the first time
Since we slept on the beach
You were too close for comfort
You were too far out of reach
You walked away, I should have held you
Would you have stayed for me to tell you?\\
She's standing there, maybe twenty or thirty feet from me, just watching my
eyes. I think she knows this is it, and it's killing her to try and admit
it. She can't speak, which is probably a good thing because I can't, either.
If I say her name, she'll be in my arms so fast I won't know how it happened,
and then we'll be crying, and kissing, and I'll never be able to leave her.
So we stay like this, separated by alot more than just distance. And I turn
away.
//I have always loved you
There's never been anyone else
I knew you before I knew myself
Oh my baby, I have always loved you
Years go by in a matter of days
And though we go our separate ways
I never stop dreaming of you .
I have always loved you.\\
I want to yell at him.
Scream, stomp my feet, beg him to stay.
"Don't go," I'd say. "We can't work this out. Just because you
think it's
gonna be wrong in the future doesn't mean it will."
I know at first I said I thought he was right, but I never really believed
that. I thought if I told myself he was right, and that this was for the
best, it would hurt less at least in the long run if not now.
I'm so full of bullshit.
//And when you call it makes me cry
We never made time for you and I
If I could live it all again
I'd never let it end
I'd still be with you
Oh God I miss you\\
I know it was probably wrong of me to spy on Buffy and Angel sharing whatever
that deep look was supposed to be, but I had to watch them.
I'm Buffy's best friend, and I'm supposed to be there if she needs a shoulder
to cry on.
I also had a stake handy, because if he made her cry, I was ready to make him
pay for it.
What is wrong with men? Why does any sort of mention of the future scare
them into oblivion?
I mean, look at Angel. He's leaving because he thinks she's going to hate
him later. I would NEVER say this to Buffy, but she doesn't really know how
much later she has. I mean, none of us know, usually, but Buffy really truly
is on a time clock. Angel's making what could wind up her last day on Earth
horrible. He can be such a jerk sometimes.
*****
Oh, there he is. I knew Dead Boy made it out.
I wonder if Buffy can see me spying on them. It's not like they're gonna talk
or anything.
Shit, they didn't even speak.
Even I woulda given Buffy a hug.
Of course, if I were Angel, I wouldn't be leaving.
That guy has serious problems.
*****
What is Buffy staring at? I need her to check my hair for me, I lost my
purse during the Ascension and my mirror was in there.
*****
If he hurts her again, I just may have to stake him myself. Buffy would
never forgive me though, and I couldn't accept that.
It's just.....why does he have to be so damned stubborn??
I may hate his guts and wish him dead, but Buffy is the daughter I never had
and if she loves him, then I want him making her happy. And even I have to
admit, they make a beautiful couple.
*****
Angel left. The guy's got some bad issues.
*****
Keep walking, keep walking.
I keep telling myself that, making my feet go in front of each other. Maybe,
eventually, I'll make enough of a distance between myself and Buffy that if I
need to break down and sob, she won't be able to sense it.
Or maybe I should just turn around and give her what she wants for the moment.
*****
Angel's not gone, Angel's not gone, Angel's not gone.
Except that he is and I'm standing here amid fire trucks and vampire dust
wondering what I did to deserve his love and how I'm ever going to go on
without him. After losing him once and having him back, I don't think I can
breathe knowing he's not going to hold me when I'm hurt and kiss me when I'm
horny and dance with me when I'm wired.
The thing is, without all of those things, I know he'll still love me, no
matter where he is.
//I have always loved you
There's never been anyone else
I knew you before I knew myself
Oh, my baby
I have always loved you
Years go by in a matter of days
And though we go our separate ways
I never stop dreaming of you
I have always loved you.\\
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